Some foods give out a sensual vibe; the way they lay on the plate, the way they feel on your tongue, even the way they photograph on your Instagram account. Egg yolks are the gigolos of the food world. They sit there all voluptuous, barely self-contained and with a single touch they burst and run, ever so slowly, all over everything. Nutella is like a flavor stripper on your tastebuds twerking up a storm on your tongue.
Some foods are slutty no matter how much you try to dress them up in fancy clothing. Poutine is one of those foods. A Canadian dish consisting of crispy french fries, cheese curds, and gravy, poutines are in and of themselves porny. It all starts with the salty hard fries, there is the indecent way the gravy is draped all over everything, seeping through all the slits and making its way deep down onto the plate. Let’s not forget the skanky way the cheese sits on top, slowly molding itself to its surroundings. It is a dirty inter-textural three-way. And like a good orgy, when combined, they meld into one and you can’t distinguish where one starts and the other one ends.
Eating a poutine is sloppy, messy, hot, moist, cheesy, and satisfying. All adjectives you would use to describe a good sexual encounter. The cheese melts and stretches from the plate to your mouth sticking to the fries, your fork, and your face. The hot silky brown gravy splashes the table, your lap, and your lips. The fries, having absorbed some of the sauce, are crunchy in some spots, soggy in others, and delicious all over. The experience of eating a poutine is sloppy and leaves you requiring a good cleaning.
If you have ever spent any time in Quebec, Canada, you know that eating poutine is inevitable. Even fast-food giant McDonalds serves up a mean poutine. I rarely have love for fast-food mega-franchises, but the truth needs to be said. If this issue was a question on the SATs it would go as follows: Poutine is to Montrealers as air is to humans.
I recently spent a few weeks in Montreal and ate poutine about 6 different times, without even trying. Each one pornier than the next. Below are a few of the accidentally ingested poutines.