Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is my source for high-quality coffee erotica.

 

Netflix’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee hosted Jerry Seinfeld is a show about comedians in cars getting coffee – or is it? There is a large amount of gratifying coffee pornography sprinkled throughout the show. Don’t get me wrong, the cars are nice, the conversations are hilarious as well as interesting, but the coffee erotica is the main reason I watch. All that roasting, grinding, brewing, steaming and pouring -so much pouring.

Just like traditional, time-honored pornography, there are different types of coffee erotica  being filmed on the show. There is something for everybody.

There is soft-core, high-brow coffee porn. This is when mugs, pots, and beans are filmed in suggestive positions and situations. Shots of coffee about to be made, A.K.A the foreplay. Then you have the elegant coffee porn with expensive coffee paraphernalia such as V-60s and slow drip machinery, and intricate coffee art performed by hipster baristas (with the obligatory hair-styles, beards, and tattoos).

There is hard-core coffee porn with beans being roasted, ground-up, and spilled onto tables. Don’t even get me started on all that dirty milk steaming. Trashy, low-budget coffee porn with diner coffee machines being fitted with filters and filled with individually pre-packaged ground beans. The coffee gets poured sloppily into the mug with a few drops inevitably escaping and spilling over – oh my!

Keeping true to the porn formula, there is the inescapable ‘money shot’: In this case the slow milk or cream pour into the mug. The coffee slowly changes colors, going from a dark deep earthy black to a velvety caramel as the cream swirls in (sometimes actually in slow-motion, like actual money shots).

I truly appreciate the fact that all coffee is given the same respect. “Instant” franchise diner coffee is just as sexualized as single-bean, ethically sourced, locally roasted, sustainably organic coffee. 

The conversations are peppered with flashes of caffeine porn that sometimes catch you off guard. Reminiscent of the scene in Fight Club where Brad Pitt’s character slides  picture of penises into kids’ films.

I am an avid tea drinker. I proudly drink 4 to 5 cups of tea a day; and that’s me holding back. But just like good erotica, which is intended to arouse desire, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee makes yearn for a cup coffee. Literally yearn for coffee!

 

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