This guy I’m dating (for now) thinks it is okay to feed me bites of food while we are eating. I’m not talking about in a cute way like “here, try this, it’s delicious.”  It’s more like random forkfuls full of uncalibrated portions of food. Sometimes there is already food in my mouth when he is trying to shovel more in there.

A meal is a sacred thing, not to be taken lightly. When I sit down, I begin to formulate an eating plan. I calibrate my bites to make sure the bread and dip end at the same time, the meat has enough sauce until the end, and most importantly, and I can’t stress this enough, the last bite of the meal is of my most favorite thing on the table. That one piece of food that I have been saving until the end, delaying gratification so that the meal can have a happy ending – Not in a dirty way, you know what I mean!

I know he means it in a sweet and kind way, as in “I care so much about you and want you to have a good meal that I want to make sure you eat well,” But all I’m hearing, or rather tasting, is “I will haphazardly stuff food into your mouth without taking into consideration the sequence with which you eat your meal, the ratios you prefer, and not to mention what you choose to get full on.” He will literally dip a couple of fries in ketchup and attempt to feed me them in the midst of me enjoying a huge bite of my burger. It’s not time for fries! It is time for two more bites of burger, some water, and then it will be time for fries that are dipped in both ketchup and mayo.

When he indiscriminately feeds me spoonfuls, sometimes without notice, he throws off my plan. I barely have time to recalibrate before there is another attempt at feeding me. By the end of the meal I am bloated, confused, and ending on an unmemorable piece of food.

He clearly doesn’t get me. He even had the nerve to jokingly say to me “why don’t you ever feed me?” So now I am expected to stop enjoying my food, halt the implementation of my eating plan so that I can plan out pieces of food for him? I don’t have time for all that when food is on the table.

It’s too soon to show him my crazy food-obsessed, will drive to another country for a good meal, will wake up at 3 am to stand in line for a restaurant at Japan’s fish market, will plan travel meals and no sightseeing, side. I have just got him used to the fact that a mini photoshoot needs to take place before we can touch the food. If things don’t change soon, this relationship will come to an untimely end.